Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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