iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
