Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
