Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
