I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
