Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
