1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
