we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My balls are so social today.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
