In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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