I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
