the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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