Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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