Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
