Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
