we have pet lesbian snakes
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
