Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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