Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
