I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
