im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
