Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
