she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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