I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
