dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
