Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
