U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You smell like a Billy Joel song
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
