What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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