even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
