we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
