i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
