so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
