He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have post one night stand depression
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