ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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