Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
