hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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