It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
