Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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