Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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