Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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