our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have post one night stand depression
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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