you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
