I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
