I'm sorry my penis didn't work
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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