I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Randomize
