Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
