you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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