i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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