When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
