my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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