If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we're so committed to being not committed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
