Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
